Transmuting pain into love

There you were before me

As though no time had passed

I couldn’t look at you like before

All I could feel was regret


I remembered the confusion

The shame and the guilt

The feelings of lack

The heavy weight in my gut


A series of accusations washed over me

As I blamed you for my hurt

I only view you as my other

As I wallowed in my pain


But the time had come for this to end

And the Creator revealed a miracle

She showed me your true self

It was pure and gleaming gold


She told me to make you into a child

She said this is what She sees

Your innocence beamed through the ether

You were an extension of Her


I saw all of your intentions

And your many anxieties

The Creator showed me why this happened

It had a greater purpose


The chasm between us expedited growth

We divided—but it was merely an illusion

Love is always with us

Forever compassionate for the other soul


I shed cleansing tears and freed my heart

I picked you up and held you close to my chest

As we embraced, we were shielded from the past

Gone were the feelings of resentment and fear


I put you down and you grew up again

You showed yourself in shining white

You spun around in circles

Dancing freely in the sand


I grabbed your hands and we spun together

The joy expanded a hundred miles

We may never return to what was before

But love will guide us from now on

Integration of the darkness

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and it’s amazing to see how far my mindset has changed in a year or so. I barely agree with my past self anymore.

Anyway…I’ve decided I need to use this page more for my experiences and feelings that may be deemed “mystical” (or not–these are my words only). In particular, I’ve gained a lot of spiritual insight while in the dreamstate. 

Last night, I encountered what some may call a low vibrational entity, or simply a dark presence. Whenever this happens, I instinctively call for Mother Mary’s assistance. In a brief poem, this was my experience:

Pins and needles instilled a panic in my heart

I felt the vast, void, separation from the light

Inescapable loneliness, breathless fear

Where could I go? I was nothing without You

All of the deceits of this world piled on my soul

The disconnection overcame my sisters

But they didn’t know You as well as I

And they didn’t know that You could free us

If only we freed ourselves

If only we knew that we could
The irksome prattling of the talking heads

And the hailing of lower vibratory frequencies

Repeated the lies to a naive public

What were they hiding from us?

That’s how we got here in the first place
When I met my final threshold

And the hopelessness deemed itself victorious

I remembered who I was

I remembered what the void was

I reintegrated the shadow into my being
I reclaimed my strength for myself

I reclaimed it for my sisters and their liberation

I blessed the separation

I blessed that which tortured me

I remembered that we were One
In the lifting of the veil I felt my freedom

I no longer needed protection

It was protection that supported the illusion

Love was all that could exist 

Even in the darkest places

In a realization of self-sovereignty

I cried out to the Divine Mother

I could see her luminous face

She sat atop a musty placard

“Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is With You…”

Mary of Nazareth: The Best Fit for the Job

The Blessed Virgin, the Holy Mother, Mother Mary, the Mother of God, Theotokos, etc. These are just a few of many the names given to the mother of Jesus Christ–Mary of Nazareth. Her influence on the sphere of Christian spirituality is far-reaching, whether you consider yourself to be a low-Church Protestant or a huge fan of the Argentinian Jesuit living in Vatican City.

However, regardless of your personal view of Mariology, there is a common denominator in most descriptions of Mary: She had humility. This concept is everywhere, and it is not simply in highly traditional Catholic or Orthodox communities. For example, I have a non-denominational poster in my bedroom that says “Mary, Mother of Jesus: With Gentleness and Humility She Accepted God’s Plan for Her Life.” Also, my favorite religious order, a non-cloistered, progressive, environmentally conscious group of women, is called the Sisters of the Humility of Mary. Neither of these examples are from “radically traditional” sources. It is clear that Mary’s humble nature is a common theological concept.

If the humility of Mary is taken as an demonstration for us to see that we are all equally called to avoid boastfulness and pride, and to understand that we do not exist alone, then Mary’s humility is a very good thing. We are all interconnected, and excessive pride makes us think that we stand by ourselves. Humility could correct this problem. On the other hand, humility has disproportionately been used as a means to make women submissive, to lessen their roles in spirituality and society, and to create divisiveness.

In addition, an overemphasis on humility can cause us to question confidence, certainty, and the notion that possibilities are limitless. We feel too unworthy to ask God for what we really want, and when we do ask, we do not believe that we will really get it. But there is no reason why I cannot believe I am deserving of what I want if I have loving intention behind my desire. There is no reason for me to wait for God to write a customized billboard that says “I choose you! You may have what you prayed for!” There is also no reason for me to accept circumstances that I am unhappy with–I can change them if I rely on love and remain in God’s frequency. Humility should not mean that I must be unfulfilled.

Now, let’s look at a different aspect of Mary’s personality. In the Gospel story of the Annunciation (Lk 1:26-38), we see Mary “humbly accept” God’s plan for her: “Here am I, the servant of the Lord. Let it be done according to your word” (v. 38). We know that this was a frightening encounter–Mary is having a mystical experience, just like the prophets who came before her. However, there is an important aspect missing from her response to God’s call–she lacks hesitation. She only asks how it can be done, since she is a virgin, but she never says, “Please God, pick someone else!” In contrast, God’s most significant prophet of the Jewish Testament does not believe he is fit for the job: “But Moses said to God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?'” (Ex 3:11).

Mary does not say “I am unfit, I am unworthy, I am unholy.” She merely asks a biological question, and then she accepts. That does not sound excessively humble, but rather fiercely confident. Mary could have been stoned to death for being pregnant and unwed, but she knew she was right for the job of God-bearer. The Holy Mother fit in no one’s spiritual or social box. Mary was not a man, she was not wealthy, and she was not educated, but she never acted like she was beneath her role. She thrived at being the greatest prophet to ever live, as the first to believe in Jesus, and the first to tell others to do so. Mary knew that all things were possible if she believed them to be, because God would make all things possible for her. Mary held her head high and took a chance.

There is definitely a place for humility, and it is certainly a quality that the Mother of God possesses, but it is a missed opportunity to skip over her self-assurance, her boldness, and her fearlessness. These are the qualities that we should teach our daughters, and these are the qualities that will help us fulfill our own vocations. We do not need to be uncertain, bashful, or lowly, we need to lift ourselves up and do what we are called to do. Society will not always agree with our decision, but Mary’s society did not agree with hers, either.Esmond-Lyons-A-Modern-Mary

Art by Esmond Lyons: A Modern Mary